Can Relationship Pain be a Good Sign? Embracing Grief for Deeper Connection

In our previous blog, we explored the inherent human desire for love and how vulnerability and authentic communication can lead to an ‘upward swing’ of safety and connection in your marriage. We highlighted how these deep conversations allow a relationship to truly flourish.

However, it's crucial to understand that ‘getting deeper’ isn't a final destination or a problem-solved; it's an ongoing process, a continuous journey of intimacy and growth.

The Downward Pull

You might notice something seemingly counterintuitive as your relationship deepens: the more profound conversations you share, the closer you feel, yet sometimes, you might also be blindsided by unexpected bouts of pain or sadness, either within yourself or your partner. It's entirely natural to feel disheartened during these moments, as if all the progress you’ve made is suddenly unraveling. You might even feel despair, wondering if your efforts are in vain.

Here’s a critical perspective to hold onto during these challenging times: THIS IS ACTUALLY A SIGN OF PROGRESS!

When Pain Signals Progress

What does this mean? It signifies that you’ve successfully cultivated enough emotional safety within your marriage for your body’s natural inclination to resolve old, unresolved issues to finally activate. These past hurts, whether from early life experiences or earlier in your relationship, were previously suppressed. They remained hidden because your system didn't feel the necessary emotional security or stability required to confront them.

When the Hurt Resurfaces

Now, with this newfound safety and trust, your nervous system is subconsciously granting permission to experience these deeper layers of hurt. This allows them to surface, not to break you, but for genuine resolution and healing.

You might be tempted to think, “If we just don't talk about it, it won't hurt, right? What we don't consciously think about won't harm us.” Unfortunately, the answer is a hard “no.” Emotions exist outside of time. Consider an unresolved hurt from your past – perhaps the sting of a high school disappointment or a slight from an old friend. When you recall that moment, a subtle ache or discomfort can still be felt, even years later.

Safety to Process

Unless there has been some safety to process that pain and grieve how the situation didn't unfold as desired, that emotional ‘sting’ can persist, potentially indefinitely. Even if we don’t consciously feel it, these unresolved emotions can subtly influence our behaviors, making us more vigilant or reinforcing old self-perceptions (e.g., “I’m not worthy of being chosen” or “I don’t matter”).

Embracing Grief

Cleaning the Gold

Therefore, as you and your partner continue to delve deeper into your connection, and you notice this pain or sadness surfacing in you or them, understand that this is an integral part of the healing process – it is grief manifesting. It represents the sorrow that things occurred in a hurtful way, or the sadness of what was lost or not received.

And just like discovering a pirate’s treasure chest: once you find the gold, you still need to clean the dirt and grime off it to fully appreciate its value. Similarly, we need to fully experience that sadness and pain before it can release its grip.

The Path to True Healing & Deeper Intimacy

So, embrace this grieving aspect of resolving issues within your marriage. It doesn't mean you're failing; it confirms that you are indeed on the right track! You are courageously creating the necessary space for genuine healing and fostering a more profound, authentic connection within your most vital relationship. This willingness to lean into discomfort is what truly builds resilience and lasting intimacy!

Our team of relationship therapists at Sacred Ground are here to guide you and your partner to that lasting intimacy. Connect with us today to begin that journey!