How to Set Healthy Boundaries Without Feeling Guilty
For many of us, the idea of setting boundaries can feel selfish. Saying "no" or creating space for yourself can bring on a wave of guilt. And if you have a Christian faith background, you might even wonder if setting boundaries goes against the call to be loving, self-sacrificing, and putting others before yourself.
But what if boundaries are actually a God-given way to foster emotional health and build healthier relationships? There is a path forward – a way to set healthy boundaries without guilt so you can love and honor God and others without losing yourself.
What Are Healthy Boundaries?
Brene Brown says, “Boundaries are the closest distance at which I can love both you and myself.” Healthy boundaries are the emotional, spiritual, physical, and relational “lines” that define where you end and someone else begins. These limits protect your well-being while still allowing you to engage in loving, connected relationships.
A boundary might sound like, “I need time to pray and process before I respond” or “I want to spend time with you, but I also need space to recharge alone.” In any relationship, boundaries are essential for creating secure emotional bonds and allow us to show up more fully and genuinely in our relationships.
Our deepest need is to feel safe, secure, and connected in relationships, but a lack of boundaries can create fear, resentment, burnout, and ultimately harm the connections we cherish. Boundaries are a way of saying, “I value our relationship, and to show up fully in it, I need to take care of myself too.”
The Truth About Boundaries
The Guilt You Feel
It’s common for thoughts like, “If I set boundaries, I’m being selfish” or “If I set boundaries, I will hurt others” to arise, especially for Christians. This often leads to a cycle where the guilt of setting boundaries makes us avoid them altogether. However, giving in to this guilt and avoiding necessary limits out of a sense of obligation can be costly, not only to ourselves but to those around us.
Boundaries: Given & Modeled by God
God created us with limits – we need rest and space, and honoring those limits to protect ourselves emotionally, mentally, and physically is part of stewarding the gift of life God has given us.
While Jesus certainly laid down His life for others and is the ultimate image of self-sacrifice, He also took time away to rest and pray (Luke 5:16), set clear limits with people (Mark 3:31-35), and didn’t please everyone (John 6:66-67). He modeled the importance of caring for yourself as you care for others. Appropriate boundaries, when set with kindness and charity, actually increase our ability to care about others and protect secure bonds.
How to Set Healthy Boundaries
Ready to start setting healthy boundaries without that familiar wave of guilt? Here are a few things to consider:
Pause and Identify Your Needs
Before you can set a clear, healthy boundary, take a moment to pause and identify what you need. Ask yourself: What’s draining you? What emotions are you feeling that signal a boundary is needed? Are you feeling pulled to give and act out of love and freedom, or fear and a sense of obligation? Understanding your emotional triggers, what you are feeling, and what action is needed to meet your needs will help identify where boundaries are needed and why.
Remember Your “Why”
When your needs and the boundary you need to set come into focus, remind yourself why you’re setting this boundary. Boundaries are often driven by our values. Even when we are saying “no,” we are often saying “yes” to something good that aligns with what we value. Consider what you are saying “yes” to by saying “no.” For example, does saying “no” to an additional activity offer more space for you to say “yes” to giving yourself time to recharge or spend with family?
Determine How You Will Set a Clear, Compassionate Boundary
Take some time to explore and decide how you will communicate the boundary in a warm, clear manner. Consider using “I-statements” to take ownership of your choice, the emotions you are feeling, and the action you will take, such as “I appreciate you expressing interest by asking that question, but I feel overwhelmed and I’m not ready to talk about it yet. Can we talk about ___ instead?”. Use clear language that outlines the limit you are setting, and remember that you can express care even as you express limits.
Process Your Emotions
After setting a boundary, take time to check in with yourself and process what you are feeling. Take some deep breaths, close your eyes, and tune into what emotion you are feeling. What sensation are you feeling in your body? What is the emotion trying to tell you? By acknowledging the underlying emotions, you can begin to understand them and reach for care from God or a loved one to help you process the emotion and how you are feeling after setting a boundary.
Setting boundaries isn’t about shutting others out – it’s about showing up more fully, honestly, and sustainably for the most important people and parts of your life. It takes practice, and can feel incredibly difficult at times. It is very common to struggle with guilt when setting boundaries, especially with the Christian duty to love and serve others.
If you are struggling with how to reconcile the guilt that can come with setting boundaries, reach out today about Christian counseling!
