Anxious Attachment Styles in Relationships
Have you ever found yourself wondering why certain patterns keep showing up in your relationships? Or perhaps why you react to situations in ways you don't quite understand? It's a common experience, and often, the answers lie in something called attachment styles. We all develop unique ways of connecting with others based on our earlier experiences, and these styles profoundly shape our relationships. There are four relationship attachment styles, each painting a picture of how we seek and offer connection.
Secure attachment is characterized by an individual's confidence in the availability and responsiveness of their attachment figures.
Anxious (preoccupied) is characterized by a history of inconsistent or unpredictable responsiveness from attachment figures. With an anxious attachment, the individual develops a fear of abandonment and a constant need for reassurance and closeness, often manifesting as "pursuing" behaviors.
Avoidant (dismissive) attachment stems from emotional needs that were consistently dismissed or unmet, leading individuals to believe that relying on others is unreliable or even dangerous.
Anxious avoidant (disorganized) arises from a confusing and often frightening early environment where the primary caregiver was simultaneously a source of comfort and fear.
We are going to specifically look at the two anxious attachment styles, anxious (preoccupied) and anxious avoidant (disorganized), and how they appear in adult relationships.
Anxious (Preoccupied) Attachment
In an Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) cycle, a partner with an anxious attachment style typically shows up as the ‘pursuer.’ This means they tend to actively seek closeness, reassurance, and validation from their partner, especially when perceiving a threat to the relationship or a lack of emotional connection.
Some common experiences of an anxious attachment style might include:
Intensified bids for connection: Texting frequently, asking for constant reassurance, initiating conversations about the relationship, or trying to fix perceived problems.
Hypervigilance to partner's cues: Being highly attuned to their partner's emotional state and any signs of withdrawal or disinterest, often interpreting these as evidence of impending abandonment.
Protest behaviors: Becoming frustrated, critical, or even angry when their bids for connection are not met, as an attempt to elicit a response and re-establish connection.
Difficulty self-soothing: Often struggling to regulate emotions when feeling insecure, and looking to their partner to provide that regulation.
The anxiously attached individual’s actions are driven by a fear of abandonment and a longing for consistent, reliable emotional availability from their partner. In EFT, the therapist helps to uncover these underlying fears and reframe their ‘pursuing’ behaviors as understandable attempts to connect, rather than as problematic.
Anxious Avoidant (Disorganized)
A partner with a disorganized attachment style in an Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) cycle presents a complex and often contradictory set of behaviors, reflecting their own internal conflict. They are characterized by a ‘push-pull’ dynamic of a desire for closeness and fearing it.
Some common experiences of an anxious avoidant attachment style might include:
Unpredictable and Inconsistent Responses: Unlike anxious "pursuers" or avoidant "withdrawers," a disorganized partner may alternate between seeking closeness and then pushing their partner away.
Fear-Driven Reactions: Actions are often driven by an underlying fear of both abandonment and engulfment. When triggered, they may display behaviors that are self-protective but confusing to their partner, such as lashing out verbally, freezing emotionally, or dissociating from the interaction.
Difficulty with Coherent Narrative: Due to their early experiences of inconsistent and often frightening caregiving, they may struggle to make sense of their own emotions and their partner's reactions.
In EFT, the therapist helps to make sense of the client’s seemingly chaotic behaviors by linking them to their fears and unmet needs, and then gradually guides them towards more consistent and vulnerable ways of connecting.
Coping with Your Anxious Attachment
Coping with an anxious, preoccupied or disorganized, attachment style involves a journey of self-awareness, emotional regulation, and intentional relationship building. Here are some ways you can start to cope with your own anxious attachment.
Self-Awareness
Understand your triggers: Pay attention to what situations, words, or behaviors in relationships trigger your anxiety.
Recognize your patterns: Notice how you tend to react when anxious. Understanding these patterns is the first step to changing them.
Emotion Regulation Skills
Mindfulness and meditation: These practices can help you stay present, observe your anxious thoughts without getting caught up in them, and calm your nervous system.
Self-compassion: Be kind to yourself. Understand that your anxious attachment developed as a protective mechanism.
Healthy self-care: Engage in activities that genuinely soothe you, such as exercise, hobbies, spending time in nature, or creative outlets.
Improve Communication and Set Boundaries
Clearly articulate your needs: While it's important to develop self-soothing, it's also healthy to communicate your needs clearly and directly to your partner.
Establish healthy boundaries: This involves respecting your partner's need for space while also ensuring your own needs for closeness are met.
Seek Support and Choose Secure Relationships
Therapy: An Emotionally Focused therapist can provide invaluable guidance. They can help you understand the roots of your attachment style, process past experiences, and develop healthier coping mechanisms.
Supporting Your Partner with Anxious Attachment
Supporting your partner who may exhibit an anxious attachment style is a journey with both strengths and challenges. Learning more about and understanding their attachment style, fears, behaviors, and perhaps even trauma is a good start to being a supportive partner. Here are some other ways you can support your partner:
Become Emotionally Accessible and Responsive
Accessible: Present and available to them, both physically and emotionally.
Responsive: Able to tune into their emotions, understand their needs, and respond in a way that makes them feel seen and heard.
Engaged: Actively involved in the interaction, showing you care and are invested.
Reliable: Prioritize safety and promote predictability by being consistently present and calm.
Offer Emotional Validation
Acknowledge their feelings: Even if you don't fully understand or agree with their reaction, validate that their feelings are real and make sense from their perspective.
Be Patient: Healing takes time. Progress isn't always linear, and they may still have moments of anxiety. Your consistent validation helps them build a new internal working model of security.
Communicate Your Own Needs and Boundaries Gently
While supporting your partner is crucial, it's also important to communicate your own needs and set healthy boundaries in a way that doesn't feel like rejection.
Couples Therapy (EFT)
Emotionally Focused Therapy is specifically designed to address attachment injuries and help couples create more secure bonds. A skilled EFT therapist can guide you through the process of identifying negative cycles, accessing underlying emotions, and creating new, more secure ways of relating.
Remember, creating a shift in attachment style is a gradual process that takes time, effort, and compassion. Every small step towards understanding and managing your anxiety builds a stronger foundation for secure relationships.
