What are Signs of a Codependent Relationship?
Codependency is a frequent “buzz word” we might hear, but this term can often be stigmatized and misused to describe anybody who depends on someone else. However, dependency is not a bad thing, and it is actually crucial for us to succeed, as those who have close bonds have higher self-esteem, take more risks, and show more self-sufficiency and individuality. As humans, our nature is to connect with others and form relationships, and close bonds and dependency on others is innate, rather than meaning that someone is too clingy, needy, or reliant on others.
What is Codependency?
An Attempt to Save
Many people use the term “codependency” widely, but its origins come from the Alcoholics Anonymous community who termed codependency as a pattern that occurs when one partner enables the other's addictive behavior or denies their own needs in an attempt to save the relationship from the powerful bond their partner has created with the substance or behavior, creating a dysfunctional pattern within the attachment bond.
Effective and Ineffective Dependency
Sue Johnson, the founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, said, “There is no such thing as codependency, there is only effective and ineffective dependency.” In healthy relationships of effective dependency, individuals rely on each other in a balanced way of secure attachment and interdependence, where individuals feel safe and connected while also maintaining their individuality. On the other hand, ineffective dependence occurs when your attempts to reach your partner have an opposite effect, such as receiving anger instead of reassurance or your partner withdrawing in your need for closeness.
Ineffective dependency can be damaging for everyone involved, yet the patterns can be subtle and difficult to recognize at first. Ineffective dependency can manifest in various relationships—romantic, professional, family, or friendships—making it essential to identify its signs to cultivate healthy relationships.
Key Signs of Ineffective Dependency on Others:
Sacrificing Personal Needs
Do you often find yourself putting the other person’s needs above your own, even to the point where you neglect your own self-care? You might feel constantly drained and emotionally exhausted from prioritizing someone else’s needs and desires while your own get pushed aside.
Difficulty Setting Boundaries
Do you find it hard to say “no” or establish limits in your relationships, often to avoid conflict or the fear of disapproval? This pattern of sacrificing your needs and difficulty setting boundaries can blur the lines between your emotions and the other person’s, and you might even start to feel responsible for their emotions and needs.
Experiencing Emotional Dependence
Have you noticed that your self-worth or happiness seems to hinge on the other person’s approval or mood? You might become the sole source of their emotional support, validation, and comfort, and perhaps both of you struggle to manage emotions independently. When the other person is not around to offer that support, you might feel lost or helpless like you need that person to help you feel okay.
Losing Your Sense of Self
As you keep focusing on others’ needs, you might start to lose sight of your own passions, values, and what truly matters to you. You might even downplay your own needs, desires, or personality to keep the other person close.
Enabling Unhealthy Behaviors
In these close bonds, it’s not uncommon to idealize the other person to the point of shielding them from the consequences of their actions. You might find yourself wanting to bail them out of trouble, cover up their mistakes, or make excuses for their behaviors like substance abuse or irresponsibility.
Feeling Chronic Anxiety or Guilt
Due to the lack of boundaries often present, you might feel like it’s your job to “fix” the other person’s problems. You might experience persistent anxiety, guilt, or a feeling of being responsible for their feelings and circumstances, which can feel like you’re carrying the emotional weight for both of you. You might feel anxious when you’re apart from the person or guilty for taking time for yourself.
Fear of Abandonment or Rejection
You might have a constant worry about the stability of the relationship or experience a deep fear of being left alone. This can sometimes look like feeling the need to be overly close or even trying to control things to keep that fear at bay.
Steps Toward Healthier Relationships
If any of these signs resonate or feel familiar, please know that you are not alone, and there are positive steps you can take toward healthier relationships.
Establish Clear Boundaries
Creating clear and healthy boundaries within your relationships is essential. This allows for self-care and open communication of individual needs, fostering a sense of safety where each person feels free to attend to their own wellbeing and come together in closeness without fear or resentment.
Cultivate Self-Worth
Engaging in activities that bring you personal fulfillment, setting and pursuing your own goals, and nurturing positive connections can all help build a strong sense of who you are and your own value.
Foster Open Communication
Learning to clearly articulate your emotional needs and engaging in honest conversations about feelings, needs, and concerns with others can strengthen bonds. This creates a space where both individuals feel heard, understood, and mutually attended to within the relationship.
Seek Professional Help
Recognizing the signs and seeking support is a brave and important step toward healing and moving forward. Professional counseling can provide a safe space to explore the roots of these patterns and help you develop healthier ways of relating so you can experience closeness in a way that supports and honors you.
Recognizing and addressing key relationship patterns can open the door to more balanced and fulfilling relationships. If you identify with these signs, contact us today to learn more about how Emotionally Focused Therapy can help you establish healthier connections where you can thrive in relationships.
