Finding Each Other in the Face of Miscarriage and Loss

Every October, during Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, couples around the world mourn the loss of their pre-born or infant children. Dealing with the profound grief of miscarriage or infant loss is one of the most heartbreaking experiences a couple can face. The dreams you held for your baby, the future you imagined, all vanish in an instant, leaving behind an aching void.

While each individual grapples with their own deep sorrow, this devastating loss also casts a shadow over the relationship itself. How can couples find each other in the shadow of this deep loss?

From the perspective of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), this tragic loss doesn't just create individual grief; it often activates deep-seated fears and can push partners into a painful, destructive cycle. When we are scared, hurting, or in pain (such as after a loss), we reach for our partner for comfort. If that reach is misunderstood or missed, the pain is compounded, and the negative cycle begins.

The Negative Cycle of Grief

In the aftermath of loss, this negative cycle often looks like this:

1. The Trigger:

An emotional moment—a due date approaching, seeing a pregnant friend, a simple memory—triggers intense, raw grief in one or both partners.

2. The Withdrawal/Pursuit:

• Partner A (The Pursuer): Feeling overwhelmed, afraid, or desperate for comfort, they might reach out by crying, wanting to talk about the baby constantly, or asking, "Are you okay? Why aren't you crying?"

• Partner B (The Withdrawer): Feeling overwhelmed by their own pain, a need to "be strong," or even a sense of failure, they might shut down, focus on tasks, or say, "We need to move on," or "I don't want to talk about it."

3. The Impact:

• The Pursuer interprets the withdrawal as: "They don't care," "They don't understand my pain," or "I am grieving this alone," highlighting the attachment fear of being alone and without their partner’s support.

• The Withdrawer interprets the pursuit as: "I'm failing them," "I can't fix this," or "They are judging how I grieve," highlighting the attachment fear of not being enough.

4. The Result:

Both partners feel isolated, misunderstood, and more profoundly alone in their grief, solidifying the idea that their partner is unavailable when they need them most.

Re-establishing Connection: Stepping Out of the Shadow

EFT provides a map for couples to move out of this painful dance and into a space of safe emotional connection. The key is to shift the focus from how you are grieving (which is different for everyone) to the vulnerability and pain beneath the reaction.

1. Naming and Blaming the Cycle, Not the Partner

The first step is for both partners to recognize and name the negative cycle. It's not one partner's fault; the cycle is the enemy, not your spouse.

2. Softening the Edges: Sharing the Vulnerability

The real work of EFT involves helping partners express the soft, vulnerable emotions that drive their reactive behaviors. This is where true connection begins.

3. Creating "Hold Me Tight" Moments

The goal is to create new, positive emotional experiences where partners truly turn toward each other in their time of need. These are small moments of emotional responsiveness, repair, and safety.

Integrated Healing

Grief over a lost child is not something a couple "gets over"; it is something they integrate into the fabric of their lives and their relationship. Healing begins not when the pain is gone (because the pain of this loss will always be with you), but when you can turn to your partner in the darkness and know, with absolute certainty, that they are there.

Using the EFT perspective helps you see that your partner's reactions are not a rejection of your love or your grief, but a desperate, often clumsy, attempt to manage their own pain and connect with you. By naming the cycle, sharing your vulnerable needs, and reaching for each other, you can transform the shadow of sadness into a space of secure, resilient connection.

If you and your partner are struggling with the grief of pregnancy and infant loss, contact Sacred Ground Psychotherapy to schedule an appointment.